


without you, without me

by denimandflowers



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Doyoung cries a lot, Implied homophobia, LDR, M/M, fast burn, jaehyun and doyoung are the same age
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:27:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23873146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denimandflowers/pseuds/denimandflowers
Summary: Jaehyun’s in Seoul, Doyoung’s in London. There are 5500 miles and 8 hours between them, and a whole lot of love, tears, and heartbreak.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 8
Kudos: 109





	without you, without me

**Author's Note:**

> you know the drill  
> she gets restless and writes a whole one shot in a day.  
> been wanting to write a fluffy one shot but that shall be saved for another day because today is not the day.

**March, 2015**

**mine [ _4.30pm_ ]**

face time at 7 tonight?

**you [ _5.33pm_ ]**

yes baby ♥

Doyoung’s waiting for his dinner to heat up in the microwave when his phone buzzes with an incoming video call. A smile is already on his face when he accepts the call and his screen fills with the sight of a sleepy Jaehyun.

“ _Good evening, Doie_ ,” Jaehyun greets, stifling a yawn behind his mouth. Doyoung’s smile fades into a frown when he notices how red Jaehyun’s eyes are.

_“How was your day?”_

Doyoung’s heart hurts when he sees his boyfriend’s struggle to stay awake. It’s three in the morning in Seoul. The first thing he’d done when he found out that he was heading to London was to memorise the time difference. Back then _8 hours_ had felt like a formidable wall. Now he knew it was nothing if it meant being able to spend some time with his boyfriend.

“It was good,” Doyoung says softly. Behind him, the microwave beeps. He moves to set up his dinner at the table, complete with a glass of wine.

 _“Your choice of beverage says otherwise,”_ Jaehyun says with a small chuckle. Doyoung flushes as he sets it out of view.

_“We said no secrets, remember? We promised to tell each other everything. I want to know if you saw your neighbour’s dog today, or if you felt like having pasta instead of rice. It makes me feel like I’m there with you.”_

It’s one of those days. Where everything had gone to shit the moment he’d woken up. He’d looked forward to seeing Jaehyun’s face all day, hoping the sight of his dimpled smile would make everything easier than it was.

“You’re right, I’ve had a shit day,” Doyoung confesses with a deep sigh. He sets his phone up against the wall as Jaehyun shifts into a more comfortable position on his bed.

_“Was it something to do with work?”_

Doyoung doesn’t reply, just moves his food around on his plate with his chopsticks. Jaehyun just watches, patient, open.

He’s always the one waiting.

“I found out today that the project’s being indefinitely postponed.”

Jaehyun’s silent for a long minute. This time it’s Doyoung who watches. He has the shittiest reception at his apartment and could barely make out the look on Jaehyun’s face. Was he angry? Sad? Disappointed?

All of those emotions Doyoung had gone through when he’d been told.

_“So what does it mean? That I won’t know when’s the next time I’ll get to see you?”_

Doyoung winces when he picks up the anger in Jaehyun’s tone. He wishes he’d chosen a better time to tell him; not when he’s exhausted from work and Jaehyun’s irritable from having woken up in the middle of the night. But when _was_ a good time for them? It’s been almost a year, but they’re still struggling to find a better way to keep their relationship afloat.

“I’ll still have some breaks in between,” Doyoung tells him softly. “I’ll be able to come back then. There’s Christmas, New Year’s.”

_“But not our anniversary.”_

It’s just a date, Doyoung wants to tell him. But Jaehyun’s the sentimental one between them, and milestones were of utmost importance to him.

“It’s still a few months away. I’ll see if I can fit it in.”

There’s a loud scoff on the other end of the line. _“So our relationship’s nothing but a schedule to you. Got it.”_

Doyoung frowns, realising the implication of his words. “Please. I don’t want to fight with you.”

They’d always known this was a possibility. The fact that there will be so many uncertainties. When Doyoung left a year ago for London, they had only been a year into their relationship. But they went through university together. They’ve watched each other grow from broke, naïve college students into young adults plagued by responsibilities.

Doyoung had been reluctant to leave but Jaehyun had reassured him that they could make it work.

Jaehyun’s quiet for a moment before he sighs, defeated. _“Me too. I’m sorry.”_

“It’s not your fault,” Doyoung tells him. “I know it’s even harder for you. I should be the one apologizing.”

_“Are we seriously going to compete over who’s the more pitiful party, now?”_

There’s a teasing lilt in Jaehyun’s tone and Doyoung finally manages to crack a small smile. He knows they were going to be okay.

_“It doesn’t matter if it’s one or two years. I’ll wait for you, you know that.”_

“I wish you didn’t have to,” Doyoung whispers. “I wish I could hold you right now.”

There’s a sad smile on Jaehyun’s lips when he says, _“Me too, Doie.”_

+

**January, 2017**

The day Doyoung’s been looking forward to all year is finally here.

It’s been almost two years since the last time he’d been back and it still feels surreal when he looks out the window and sees the city of Seoul.

There’s no one waiting for him when he arrives. He hadn’t told anyone. He’d wanted to surprise everyone, knowing that the reunion would taste sweeter that way.

“Get _out_.”

Doyoung breaks out into laughter as his best friend stares at him in disbelief. Behind him, Johnny’s expression mirrors Taeyong’s.

“I’m back,” Doyoung announces with another round of laughter, pushing past his best friend with his luggage in tow. Johnny scrambles to help him as Taeyong pulls him into a bone crushing hug.

“I can’t believe it. Why didn’t you tell any of us you were coming back?” Taeyong demands.

“I wanted to surprise you,” Doyoung tells him, rubbing soothingly at his arm.

“Does it mean that Jaehyun doesn’t know?” Taeyong wonders.

Doyoung shakes his head with a grin. “No. I’m planning to pick him up at work tomorrow.”

Taeyong checks his phone from an incoming message.

“Jaehyun texted. He says he’s worried that your last seen was twelve hours ago.”

“Shit,” Doyoung curses with a small chuckle. “I clearly didn’t think this through.”

“It’s okay. I’ve got you covered,” Johnny pipes in from the kitchen where he’s preparing some snacks for them. “I’ll tell him that your phone was on the verge of dying when you last texted me.”

“I guess that’ll work,” Doyoung says reluctantly as he accepts the glass of water.

“So how long will you be here for?” Taeyong wonders as he hands out the instant tteokbokki Johnny's prepared.

There’s a manufactured taste to it but it still feels like heaven. He hasn’t had it in the longest time. His nearest k-mart back in London was a good hour’s drive away and he didn’t have a car at his disposal. It had taken the longest time to get used to food of a completely different palate.

“Two weeks,” he answers regretfully. Two weeks isn’t a long time, but Doyoung knows it's better than nothing. He’s going to make the most of it, he’ll make sure.

“You break our hearts, Doie,” Taeyong says with a sad pout. “But I’m glad you’re here. Jaehyun’s going to be really happy.”

“Yeah,” Johnny agrees, starting on his own bowl, “He’s been down in the dumps. You couldn’t have come at a better time. See if you can cheer him up.”

Doyoung frowns at this. Jaehyun hadn’t told him anything. He knows Jaehyun's probably chosen to keep it to himself so he wouldn’t be a bother, but he can’t help wondering if there were other secrets he’d been keeping. It’s a good time to get everything out in the open, he figures.

That night his fingers itch to call Jaehyun, to tell him he’s finally here, under the same night sky. But he holds back, knowing it would be sweeter when he surprises him tomorrow.

Tomorrow couldn’t come any sooner.

Doyoung gets ready with a happy hum, pulling on his favourite blue cardigan before he leaves. The plan had been to pick him up after work but Doyoung knows he couldn’t last that long.

Instead, he was stood in front of Jaehyun’s office building at lunch time with a bouquet of flowers in hand.

It’s a long wait, but Jaehyun finally emerges from the glass doors close to an hour later. Their gazes meet, and time slows.

“You guys go ahead. I’ll see you after lunch,” he hears Jaehyun tell his colleagues.

Doyoung’s heart races as the distance between them closes until they’re standing face to face. He finds that he has to tilt his head a little. Jaehyun’s grown a few centimetres, and Doyoung vaguely wonders what else he’s missed in the time they’ve been apart.

“You’re here,” Jaehyun breathes.

“I am,” Doyoung manages to say despite the growing lump in his throat.

Jaehyun lunges forward and engulfs him in an embrace. Doyoung closes his eyes, lets the emotions wash over him. He’s dreamed about this moment since the day he’d left a year ago. He’s lost count of the number of times he’s woken up only to realise that he’s all alone.

“Can I kiss you?” Doyoung asks in a whisper, fingers brushing over Jaehyun’s lips.

Hesitation flickers across Jaehyun’s face but it quickly fades as he nods mutely, dimples digging deep. Doyoung leans in to ease him into a soft kiss. It’s a little awkward, they haven’t kissed in the longest time, but Doyoung knows they’ll have plenty of time later to practise.

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” Jaehyun chokes, hands framing his face. He presses a kiss to Doyoung’s forehead and pulls away with a smile.

“These are for you.” Jaehyun accepts the flowers, cheeks and ears turning a soft shade of pink.

The smile falls off Jaehyun’s face as he takes a conscious glance around. “People are staring.”

“Let them stare,” Doyoung laughs, fingers finding Jaehyun’s. “They’ll know you’re mine.”

+

Doyoung had expected to spend all his time with Jaehyun but a week into his stay, he noticed that his boyfriend had been nothing but distant. He pulls away when Doyoung holds his hand, refuses to be kissed when they’re outside.

It hurts, the fact that Jaehyun makes up blatant excuses not to be with him. But more than anything, he’s frustrated that things haven’t gone the way he’d expected them to.

“Have you tried talking to him about it?” Taeyong asks, pity in his eyes, when Doyoung tells expresses his frustration.

“I’ve tried asking if he’s okay, that he can tell me if there’s anything bothering him. But he’s done nothing but shrug me off,” Doyoung says, sounding like he’s at his wit’s end. Because he is. How can he fix it when Jaehyun refuses to open up to him?

“Johnny did say Jaehyun’s been facing some issues,” Taeyong muses.

Doyoung perks up at this. “Did he say what about? Because I have absolutely no idea what it might be.”

Taeyong shakes his head sadly. “Johnny doesn’t know either. Jaehyun was being all cryptic about it.”

Doyoung deflates. “I just want to make things right before I have to leave again. I don’t want to leave like _this_.”

“You should ask him when he gets back from work. You’re here for another week. You should make the most of it,” Taeyong advices.

So when Jaehyun comes home that evening, he brings him out to an expensive restaurant. He’s relieved when Jaehyun goes along with it, even if Doyoung notices how uncomfortable he was for the most part of the night.

“Am I missing something?” Jaehyun wonders curiously as they stroll along Hangang. It’s chilly, and Doyoung huddles closer into him when he realises that Jaehyun’s shaking from the cold.

“What do you mean?”

“This date has been nothing short of romantic,” Jaehyun says with an amused smile.

“Can’t I take my boyfriend out on a nice date?”

There’s an odd look in Jaehyun’s eyes before he says softly, “Of course you can.”

“I wanted to make up for missing our anniversary,” Doyoung confesses.

“You being here already makes up for it,” Jaehyun tells him with a smile.

“There’s also something I’ve been thinking about,” Doyoung begins. He leads them to a quiet part of the park that overlooks the river.

“I’ve – I’ve been doing some thinking too,” Jaehyun divulges uncertainly.

Doyoung regards him curiously, wondering if he’ll finally know the reason behind Jaehyun’s lackadaisical attitude. “What is it?”

Jaehyun shifts nervously, staring at his shoes. He looks closed off, his hands tucked into his pocket.

He glances up to meet Doyoung’s gaze. “I—I think we should call this off.”

Doyoung frowns at him, confused and hurt all at the same time.

“What?” he manages to verbalise. Suddenly it feels like there’s a wall between them.

“I think we should break up,” Jaehyun repeats with a wince.

Doyoung’s heart falls. “You’re not serious?”

Jaehyun merely stares at him, an apologetic look on his face. He lets out a soft sigh as Doyoung feels like his world is falling apart.

“Tell me you’re only joking,” Doyoung says, chest getting tighter with each passing second.

Jaehyun shakes his head. “Don’t you think it's the right thing to do? Things—things haven’t been the same between us for a long time. I’m not the only one who feels it and you know it.”

Doyoung just stands there in disbelief as the tears fall over. He’s waited two years, held on for two long years, but Jaehyun wants to put an end to it.

“Doie, please don’t cry,” Jaehyun pleads. He looks pained, like it hurt him to see him this way.

“I don’t get it,” Doyoung cries softly. “Why can’t we just go back to the way things were?”

“You mean missed calls, unread texts? We barely have time for each other, Doie. You’re here, but I can’t even spend my time with you. I think it’s better if we put things between us on hold.”

“It doesn’t _work_ that way,” Doyoung says scathingly.

“Then what do you suggest, Doyoung?” Jaehyun bites back in the same tone. “Because I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of this.”

Doyoung nods, glancing up at the sky as his eyes fill with fresh tears. “You mean you’re tired of me?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, glancing away as he runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “You know that’s not what I mean. You know I love you, and I want nothing but the best for you. But I know that it means taking a break from _this_ ,” Jaehyun gestures in the space between them. “Whatever this is,” he finishes softly.

The realisation hits him hard. Doyoung stands there, feeling nothing but exhausted. His shoulders slump as he feels the fight drain from his body. He hadn’t wanted to see it, didn’t want to admit it, but Doyoung knows Jaehyun’s right.

They’d been teetering close to the edge in the last few months. Things had gotten hectic at work for the both of them. Doyoung barely had the time to sleep, let alone for Jaehyun. Things had started to cause a strain but they’d brushed it off, swept everything under the rug in an attempt to pretend it didn’t exist.

Doyoung knows that it was better that they took a break before their problems manifested into something more and they resented each other for it.

“This isn’t a goodbye,” Jaehyun says, voice so quiet it almost gets lost in the wind. Doyoung nods mutely, gaze falling.

“I still love you.”

“That just makes it even harder.”

Doyoung realises belatedly that there are tears on his cheeks. Jaehyun takes a cautious step forward. He reaches out, wipes the tears with a thumb when Doyoung doesn’t pull away.

“Don’t cry,” Jaehyun repeats in a murmur.

“Let me cry now so I won’t later,” Doyoung jests with a roll of his eyes despite the tears. Jaehyun laughs thickly, wiping at his own eyes.

“I’ll still be here, you know that, right?”

Doyoung nods, leaning into the touch.

“Just – don’t be a stranger,” Doyoung tells him.

It feels bittersweet when he leaves. He gets a hug from his friends, and Jaehyun gives him a kiss to his forehead.

He doesn’t look back when he walks through the gates.

+

**December, 2017**

**you [5.12pm]**

Hey. Haven’t heard from you all week. I’m free tonight. Wanna face time?

Doyoung sighs as he stares at the icon that lights up in the corner, indicating that he’s been left on read. He shouldn’t be upset, he tells himself. It’s the end of the year, a busy time for Jaehyun who works at an accounting firm.

But it still didn’t stop him from feeling hurt. It’s been ten months since their break, and although Jaehyun told him it was fine if he wanted to date, he hadn’t spent time outside of the office. He spent his days in the office and then going straight home, whiling the time away on his phone, religiously stalking Jaehyun’s Instagram.

He’d even made Taeyong promise to tell him if Jaehyun went out on a date, but his friend had reassured him that Jaehyun hasn’t been faring too well, either. Doyoung feels like an asshole for being happy at the news but there’s a part of him that knows that he would never get over it if Jaehyun found someone new.

He knows that the first thing he’s going to do once this whole thing is over and he gets to go home is to win Jaehyun back.

For now, though, all he could do was to hold on.

His phone buzzes and for a second, he’s hopeful that it’s Jaehyun. His face falls when he realises that it’s just Jungwoo, his colleague.

 _“You promised,”_ Jungwoo’s accusatorily tone fills his ear as soon as he connects the call.

Doyoung winces, knowing he has no excuses. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes sincerely. “I just didn’t feel up to it.”

 _“You always don’t feel up to it,”_ Jungwoo states before he sighs. _“It’s been a year. Stop moping around and come out of your cave. You should get out there, meet new people. Jaehyun wouldn’t want you to spend all your time just waiting on him.”_

Doyoung bites his lips. Jungwoo wouldn’t understand. Nobody does. It feels like a part of him has been ripped out and he’s going about his day with an emptiness in his soul. He has a hole in his heart, one that could only be filled by Jaehyun himself.

There’s another loud sigh. _“Do you want me to come over?”_

“No, it’s fine,” Doyoung says quickly. “You have fun without me, Woo.”

_“Okay. Call me if you need anything.”_

Doyoung’s glad that he hadn’t accepted Jungwoo’s offer, because Jaehyun calls him later when he’s getting ready for an early night. Heart beating fast in his chest, Doyoung grins as he answers the call.

_“Good evening, Doie.”_

There’s a smile on Jaehyun’s face. His hair is long enough that he has to hold it up by a headband, and Doyoung notices the slight flush in his cheeks.

“Did you drink?” Doyoung muses with a laugh.

Jaehyun nods lazily, licking his lips. _“Yeah,”_ he hums. _“Had a dinner party for work.”_

Feeling a little brave, Doyoung tells him, “I’ve missed you.”

An odd look flickers across Jaehyun’s face before he breaks out into a soft smile. _“I’ve missed you too.”_

“Have you been busy?” Doyoung wonders, getting himself comfortable under the covers.

 _“Yeah,”_ Jaehyun says after a moment’s hesitation.

“Work?” Doyoung probes. Jaehyun hums with a small nod.

“Don’t forget to have your meals,” Doyoung reminds him.

Jaehyun had always had a bad habit of skipping meals, one that had stuck with him since college. Doyoung remembers turning up at his dorm almost every day armed with food just so he could see to it himself that Jaehyun was fed. But Doyoung wasn’t there to do it anymore, and all he could do was hope that Jaehyun looked after himself.

 _“I saw your instagram stories,”_ Jaehyun begins.

“Did you?” Doyoung says, holding his breath. He’d posted it in the hopes that Jaehyun would notice that he turned down every opportunity to date. It was petty, but it was worth a shot. It was also nice to know that he hadn’t been the only one who kept up to date with the other’s life.

 _“Jungwoo’s right, you know,”_ comes Jaehyun’s reply. _“You should get out there, have some fun. Meet someone new.”_

Doyoung frowns, not expecting such a response from him. He picks at a loose thread on his blanket.

“I don’t want to get out there,” he says softly.

The sigh that follows is expected. _“It’s been ten months. We agreed that we’re free to date others.”_

“I just don’t want to, alright?” Doyoung argues.

He sees Jaehyun nod, leaning forward on his bed. His wifi is still the same shitty plan but he doesn’t need good connection to decipher the troubled look on Jaehyun’s face.

“Can’t you just accept the fact that I _can’t_ move on? I _don’t_ want to move on. I only want you, Jae.”

It feels like forever before Jaehyun finally speaks again.

_“I met someone, Doie.”_

Doyoung feels like his heart has been ripped from his chest. He feels so stupid. There had been signs. Jaehyun didn’t want to do long distance anymore because he wanted someone new, someone that wasn’t him.

Doyoung contemplates on his words. He feels like he can’t breathe. He can feel his eyes burn from the sudden tears. But it would be ridiculous to make a scene. They weren’t even dating. Jaehyun hadn’t cheated on him, even if it felt like his heart was in pieces.

 _“Your nose is bleeding,”_ Jaehyun says worriedly. Doyoung reaches up and sure enough, his hand pulls away with blood. It had happened often in college whenever he was stressed. He hadn’t had one in the longest time.

 _“Doyoung…”_ Jaehyun calls pleadingly.

“I have to go,” Doyoung says levelly. He knows he will break if he spoke any louder. He doesn’t wait for Jaehyun’s reply, ending the call and throwing the phone across the bed.

He grabs for some tissues and presses them against his nose, tilting his head up to stop the flow.

He shuts his eyes and tries his best not to let the tears fall.

+

**February, 2019**

Doyoung arrives in Seoul on his birthday.

Taeyong’s face is the first he sees in the sea of strangers. He waves at him wildly and laughs at Taeyong’s embarrassment as Johnny appears soon after, jumping up and down in excitement.

“Happy birthday, Doie! You’re finally a quarter of a century old!” Johnny cries, crushing him in a hug. Johnny looks even more ripped in real life than he does on screen and Doyoung coughs as he chokes when he pulls away.

“You’re insane,” Doyoung states, referring to his muscles.

“I also have a washboard,” Johnny declares, rubbing at his abs.

Doyoung shakes his head with a laugh. “You look good,” he admits, slapping Johnny in the tummy only to grimace when he hurts his hand at how hard it is.

“And _you_ ,” Doyoung turns to face Taeyong. “I still can’t believe you’re getting married.”

“No one can believe he’s the first one among us to get tied down,” Johnny interjects.

“I’m glad you’re here for the wedding,” Taeyong says, ignoring Johnny as they make their way towards Johnny’s car.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Doyoung says with a smile.

His parents are there when he gets to Taeyong’s apartment. He greets them with teary eyes, knowing it had taken them a lot to get to the city.

“Jaehyun arranged for it,” Taeyong offhandedly lets him know when they’re sitting around the living room with the cake.

Doyoung sets down his plate, quiet with contemplation. He hadn’t expected for Taeyong to bring up Jaehyun. After all, everyone knows that he’d pulled himself away from Jaehyun after he told him that he’d found someone new. Johnny and Taeyong had spent the last year and few months avoiding Jaehyun’s name like the plague, so Doyoung’s surprised that Taeyong had casually mentioned him.

“I’ll be sure to thank him,” Doyoung says, because he knows that it’s the mature thing to do. He is, after all, like Johnny says, a quarter of a century old.

It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t properly spoken to Jaehyun in almost two years. Jaehyun would always hold a special place in his heart.

“He also says to call him if you can.” Taeyong peers at him warily, like he’s expecting Doyoung to lash out.

“I’m not emotionally unstable,” Doyoung says with a scoff.

Relief washes over Taeyong’s face. “Johnny and I didn’t know if you were going to hit us for mentioning Jaehyun.”

“Hey,” Doyoung cries. “I’m not violent.”

This time it’s Taeyong who scoffs. “Your friends would beg to differ.”

+

Taeyong’s wedding ceremony happens over the weekend.

Doyoung wishes he’d been more involved in the wedding, but is thoroughly impressed by the great job Johnny did as a best man.

He doesn’t shed a tear when Taeyong says _I do_ and kisses his bride, but tries to hold in his laughter when he catches Johnny wiping at his eyes. His smile fades, however, when he turns and meets eyes with Jaehyun who’s sitting in the other corner.

“Welcome back.”

Doyoung steels himself before turning around, a wide smile plastered across his face.

“Thank you,” he replies, taking a sip of his champagne. Jaehyun looks handsome with his hair up despite his nerves.

“How have you been?” Jaehyun asks as the awkwardness in the air intensifies.

“Good,” Doyoung says through his teeth. He’s always hated small talk, but he wonders how they’d let things come to this between them.

“Thanks for bringing my parents to the city,” Doyoung says as his expression softens.

“It’s fine,” Jaehyun says, easing into the conversation. “They’ve missed you.”

“And have you?” Doyoung wonders, words slipping before he could stop them.

Jaehyun is taken aback at his question. He nods, small.

“I have,” he admits.

“I’ve missed you too,” Doyoung tells him, setting his glass on a table nearby.

He steps closer, courage building when Jaehyun doesn’t move away until he has Jaehyun in his arms. His eyes fall to a close when Jaehyun reciprocates the hug, and he breathes in his scent, feeling nostalgic. He’s wearing the same cologne he always has. The same one Doyoung bought for him when they were in college.

“Jae.”

Doyoung startles out of the hold, pulling away to see a young, beautiful woman. Jaehyun’s hand recoils from Doyoung’s hand as if he’d been burned.

“Hyemi,” Jaehyun states. Doyoung watches as Jaehyun’s arms snake around her tiny waist to pull her close.

“This is Doyoung,” Jaehyun introduces. “A friend from college.”

The loud chatter of the ballroom fades into the background as Doyoung fixates his eyes upon their intertwined hands.

“Doyoung, this is Hyemi,” Jaehyun says, swallowing hard. “My girlfriend.”

+

Johnny finds Doyoung on the rooftop garden.

“Did you know?”

Johnny joins him by the railings. In the distance, Namsan tower stands tall and proud. It’s a beautiful night, but all Doyoung feels is the pain.

“Yes,” Johnny says regretfully after a moment’s hesitation.

Doyoung nods slowly, taking a swig from his can of beer. He could only hope that Taeyong hadn’t realised that he’d left halfway through the reception. The last thing he wanted was to cause his heartbreak to ruin his best friend’s wedding.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Doyoung finally turns to face Johnny. He must have looked terrible, because Johnny grimaces when their eyes meet.

“We thought you knew,” Johnny says, face crumpling in pain.

Doyoung swallows hard.

“He never told me,” he whispers as if it hurt to even say those words. Johnny doesn’t hesitate this time as he pulls him into an embrace, holding him close like Doyoung would fall apart if he didn’t.

Doyoung’s voice catches in his throat, “It just feels like what we had wasn’t real.”

When Doyoung goes back to London the following week, the first thing he does is to clean his apartment, carelessly grabbing everything that didn’t belong. It takes him hours, but he finally has everything in a box.

Despite being twenty-five, Doyoung feels like he’s a child as he burns everything that reminds him of Jaehyun.

+

**January, 2020**

“Move in with me.”

Doyoung freezes, mug paused mid-air. Jungwoo’s looking at him uncertainly, the smile on his face dimming with every passing second.

“I…” Doyoung starts. He sets the cup on the table and meets Jungwoo’s expectant gaze.

They’d been dating for three months. It’s not an entirely short period of time for Doyoung. He remembers moving in with Jaehyun a month into their relationship. But Jungwoo isn’t Jaehyun.

No one had felt close to Jaehyun.

“Jungwoo,” Doyoung says sadly. He feels like crying when he sees Jungwoo shake his head with a smile.

“It was a long shot.”

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung murmurs. He hates this. Hates that he can’t move on despite being with one of the most wonderful person he’s ever met. Hates that he’s still hung up over someone who was never in love with him.

“It’s fine, Doie. I understand,” Jungwoo says, giving him a squeeze to his shoulder. The kindness in his eyes only makes it worse.

“It was fun,” Jungwoo says as he starts to gather his things. Doyoung nods, afraid his voice would betray him.

“Jungwoo,” he calls again.

Jungwoo shakes his head. He leans over, hugging him tightly before kissing his cheek.

“I’ll always be grateful that you decided to give us a chance,” Jungwoo tells him. “I really hope everything works out for you one day, Doyoung.”

+

Doyoung scrambles for his phone as he hides behind a wall, heart racing. He cheers when the call connects despite knowing that it’s one in the morning in Seoul.

“What the hell is Jaehyun doing here?”

 _“Oh?”_ Taeyong says groggily. _“Jeong Jaehyun?”_

“ _Yes,_ Jeong Jaehyun!” Doyoung cries.

 _“He’s in_ London _?”_

Doyoung rolls his eyes. “ _Yes_ , he’s here. In London.”

 _“I don’t know,”_ Taeyong tells him honestly.

“You’re sure he didn’t say anything?” Doyoung feels his heart calm as he holds a hand over his chest.

_“No. I would have told you if I knew.”_

“Well, okay,” Doyoung says uncertainly. “I’ll call you later.”

Taeyong hums before the call disconnects, leaving Doyoung to wonder alone in confusion. He considers approaching Jaehyun, weighing out the pros and cons. He hasn’t seen Jaehyun in a year, and the last time they’d talked, he’d announced that he was dating a woman. Doyoung honestly doesn’t know if it was a good idea to reconnect with him.

He peeks from behind the wall again, watching as Jaehyun glances around, looking like a lost puppy.

Against his better judgement, Doyoung steps out from behind the wall with a sigh.

“Jaehyun,” he calls. He ignores the way his heart skips a beat at the way Jaehyun’s face lights up at the sight of him.

“Doie,” Jaehyun approaches him, seemingly breathless. “I didn’t know if I had the right building.”

“What are you doing here?” Doyoung demands, not wanting to beat around the bush.

His eyes soften. “I wanted to see you.”

Doyoung can’t help the scoff that escapes his lips. “We haven’t spoken in a year,” he bluntly states, ignoring the way Jaehyun’s smile fades.

“You never returned my calls or replied any of my messages,” Jaehyun reminds him gently.

“Can you blame me? You never cared to tell me that you were dating a woman.” Doyoung laughs mirthlessly.

“You’re right,” Jaehyun concedes. “But I’m here to make things right. If you’ll let me.”

Doyoung regards him for a moment, pensive.

“I don’t know what you’re up to, but I’ve spent the last few years hoping you’d change your mind but now I just—I don’t know anymore, Jae,” he admits, feeling like he’s wearing his heart on his sleeves.

Jaehyun nods, dejected. He licks his lips.

“Please,” he murmurs. “Just spend a week with me, and if you decide you want nothing to do with me anymore, then I’ll leave you alone.”

  
+

Doyoung pretends that there’s no history between them as he brings Jaehyun around town.

On Sunday he brings Jaehyun to see the Buckingham Palace. They get there early and manage to get a good spot to witness the guard changing ceremony. He takes the week off work and brings Jaehyun to the British Museum. They have some fish and chips at his favourite diner after, and take pictures of the Big Ben as Doyoung records him on the London Bridge. Doyoung’s been on the London Eye countless of times before but it feels different when he gets on it with Jaehyun.

They fall into a routine and it feels like nothing has changed between them at all.

The week passes in an instant, and on the last night, Doyoung lies awake wondering if this was what it would have felt like if Jaehyun had come to visit while they were still together. The past week had felt like a dream but Doyoung knows he has to wake up from it soon.

Sleep doesn’t come to him even when the time shows that it’s half past three in the morning.

At four, he goes to the kitchen and finds Jaehyun nursing a can of beer at the table.

“Can’t sleep?” Doyoung muses, pouring himself a glass of water. Jaehyun manages a small smile as he shakes his head.

“Well, you leave tomorrow, don’t you?”

A tiny frown makes its way onto Jaehyun’s face as he stares unthinkingly at the table, nodding slowly.

“You should get some rest,” Doyoung says softly. Jaehyun finally looks up, meeting his gaze.

“I spent all week trying to gather the courage to apologize to you," Jaehyun starts, "but every time I look at you, I can’t bring myself to say it because I feel like you deserve better.”

Doyoung regards him, mulling over his words. “What do you mean?”

“I’m sorry I never told you I was dating Hyemi.”

Doyoung’s eyes fall to the ground. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not,” Jaheyun argues. “It’s not fine, because I hurt you, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.”

“You already hurt me when you told me we should take a break,” Doyoung tells him honestly. “It felt like you’d given up on us.”

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says. Doyoung doesn’t want an apology from him. What he wants is to go back to a time where nothing mattered, and they could overcome anything because they had each other.

Jaehyun rises to his feet, walking towards him. Doyoung holds his breath as Jaehyun reaches up to cup his cheek. Doyoung doesn’t flinch, closing his eyes at the touch.

When he opens his eyes, Jaehyun is staring at his lips. He’s not thinking straight when he leans in to close the distance between them but Jaehyun doesn’t push him away. Their lips meet, softly at first and then all at once as it turns desperate, Doyoung’s hands coming up to tangle in Jaehyun’s hair, kissing him like he’d been starved.

Doyoung breaks the kiss as suddenly as he’d initiated it, shoving Jaehyun away from him by the chest.

“W-We shouldn’t,” Doyoung stammers, wide-eyed, hand flying up to his lips, realising in horror at what they’ve just done. “You have a girlfriend.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, panting softly. “We’re not together anymore.”

Doyoung reels from the revelation, his emotions all over the place.

“Is that why you’re here?” Doyoung mocks, suddenly feeling like a complete fool. “Things didn’t work out with her so you thought you’d try your luck with me.”

“No,” Jaehyun cries. “It’s not like that, Doie. It’s always been you.”

Doyoung presses further into the counter. His head spins with Jaehyun’s words. Everything that Jaehyun is saying feels like it should make sense but it doesn’t.

“You said it wasn’t a goodbye,” Doyoung whispers, thinking back to that day. “But why didn’t you come back to me?”

Jaehyun’s hands fall to his sides. “I was a coward…” he says in a quiet voice.

“For not being brave enough to take a chance?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, taking a deep breath. He slowly says, “For not being brave enough to stand up to people who said our love was a lie."

Doyoung's face is red and his voice strained. “Who-- Who said that?”

Jaehyun looks small as his shoulders slump. He looks like he’s unsure. “I… people. They stare at us when we hold hands and they say it's gross… and the people I work with. They saw us together and it changed the way they looked at me. I thought if I dated a woman then maybe people would stop talking and it worked. And I thought I could do it. Live like that. But I was miserable, Doie.”

Doyoung feels like he’d been slapped in the face. Jaehyun had never mentioned anything about this. Doyoung didn’t know he’d felt that way until today.

“You were embarrassed to be seen with me,” Doyoung states, crushing under the weight of his words.

“No,” Jaehyun counters fiercely. “I was just afraid… and stupid.”

“You cared more about what others thought,” Doyoung laughs despite the tears in his eyes. “I spent the last few years thinking that what we had wasn’t real. That you were just playing with me until you found something real with Hyemi.”

“I know,” Jaehyun says regretfully. “And I’m sorry. I wish I could go back and change it, let you know what was bothering me. But I can’t and that’s why I’m here, Doie. To make it up to you.”

Doyoung nods slowly. He finally sees the truth but it doesn’t make him feel any better. How would he know that Jaehyun is willing to make it work again?

It hurts him when he says, “I think it’s too late, Jae.”

“I just—I don’t know if I can trust that you won’t change your mind again,” Doyoung says honestly. His eyes are full of sorrow. “I can’t be with you knowing you might just decide that I’m not worth the stares anymore. I can't put myself through that again.”

Jaehyun’s face falls. “I understand,” he murmurs, moving away.

“You should get some rest,” Doyoung says quietly, hand still over his lips. “You have a flight to catch in a few hours.”

Jaehyun leaves without saying goodbye.

Doyoung wakes up in the morning to find that he’s left, just like he was never there.

He lies in his bed and wonders if he’s done the right thing but calls Johnny when it seemed like his thoughts had no end.

He recounts the events of the past week and is almost in tears by the time he reaches the end.

 _“He didn’t ask you?”_ is the first thing Johnny says.

“Ask me what?” Doyoung wonders dejectedly, choking on his words.

 _“He told me what he was going to do when he got there,”_ Johnny says, clearly distraught.

“Yeah, he said he was going to try and make it up to me but all it did was make me realise what I could never have. He said he was sorry, but I don’t know, Johnny,” Doyoung says sadly. “How do I know he won’t change his mind?”

_“He won’t because he gave you a ring, didn’t he?”_

Doyoung freezes. “What ring?”

_“He was going to propose to you, Doie.”_

Doyoung’s heart races as he sits upright. “He told you he was?”

_“Yeah. He knew you would doubt his intentions so he decided he was ready to marry you.”_

“He didn’t say anything about a ring…” Doyoung murmurs, feeling both hopeful and shocked.

_“You rejected him before he could. I think he just thought you deserved better, Doie.”_

Doyoung finds the ring a week later, buried under a pile of his clothes in the far end of his wardrobe.

+

**June, 2020**

Doyoung walks down the aisle until he finds his seat. He hauls his bag onto the overhead compartment and settles down. It's been seven years, but this time he's leaving and never coming back.

An old man slides into the seat next to his own and he offers him a kind smile as he buckles up.

“Going home?” The man asks.

Doyoung thinks about the ring nestled safe in a box in his luggage.

He pictures Jaehyun’s face, his deep dimpled smile. He imagines holding him close and kissing his lips, unrestrained, when he says, “Yes. _Home_.”

+

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading ♥  
> h8 the abrupt ending but oh well  
> also if anyone has any requests for the kind of fic they want me to write pls let me know! i'd love to work on some new ideas :)  
> but in the meantime i think my next jaedo fic will be jaehyun just being completely whipped for doyoung who doesnt give him the time of the day.


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